THE MIND OF A TEENAGE LOVE ADDICT

I have to admit, if I took my own advice about all the self-love crap I talk about on here, my life would be a lot easier. But let’s be real, after I write it down and publish it, it gets stored into a little box in my brain and It stays there. Although I preach about knowing your worth and not caring about other people’s opinions, it’s a hard thing to stay consistent with. Self- love isn’t permanent you constantly need to work on it, so when certain things happen with certain people (boys or girls of interest), it makes you question everything you thought you ‘dealt with’ self- worth wise.

The question ‘why am I single’ has popped into my head a lot recently. Maybe it’s the binge watching of Rom-coms, or the (alarmingly low) amount of boys in my DMs, or maybe it’s my self-doubt slowly creeping in. Whatever it is I can’t shake the thought from my head.

The first thing I tell myself is that I don’t want a boyfriend, am I lying to myself? Absolutely! But I would rather focus on school at the moment than have a boyfriend. Is that also a lie? Probably. The thing is, these are the two thoughts that keep me sane, that it’s “too much of a distraction.” But in all honesty it still isn’t enough for me to stop thinking about it.  So then the next step is always self-doubt. Am I not pretty enough? And I too skinny? Am I too annoying, too smart, too stupid, not funny enough? Is my hair too poufy, is it too short? Are my clothes okay? Do I wear too much makeup? Do I wear enough makeup? These are the things I ask myself. But, thankfully, my self-confidence kicks in and I remember that I am pretty, I am smart and Its totally okay if I’m not someone’s type, and that it’s not my fault if a boy doesn’t like me.

But then the question is still left unanswered, why am I still single? The question has haunted me for years. Seeing so many girls in my grade just flawlessly jump from boyfriend to boyfriend in a matter of months has just made me even more curious and confused. How come it was so easy for everyone else and not me? The thing is I’m not sure. I haven’t been sure for ages. The guys who like me I never like back, and the guys I like never like me back. And it’s not like I’m stuck up and refuse to talk to the guys that like me. I’ve tried to develop a deeper connection and catch feelings but it just never works. A lot of the time it feels like a curse.

And I know how juvenile this post sounds like. “it’s just a teenage relationship, who cares?” but I care. Way, way too much. I don’t know why but I do. I don’t need a man to complete me, I just want some company.

I think I need to stop watching so many rom-coms, they seem to be getting to my head.

Until next time

- Mikala